Seduction Devices ….. Tickle Your Fancy ?

Nope, I’m not talking of ‘pocket rockets’ or MP3 players, but about devices used to entertain/amuse/seduce bar girls.

kregg6483’s comments about carving a face on a cucumber and taking it into the bars and talking to it were so interesting it seemed worthwhile expanding on the theme. Whilst on first reading you might think his idea is completely ‘cuckoo’, it is actually not as many old hands will tell you. Think about it for a moment, these girls stand on a stage up to 10 hours a day shuffling their feet to the same old music being leered at by older guys. The only break they get is being called down for a drink and maybe a stilted conversation which always seems to follow the same lines, what’s your name, how old are you, where are you from?

Most of the girls have had a rudimentary education, have never travelled abroad and have only a basic grasp of English, certainly not enough to grasp anything beyond the simplest joke. Worse, the newer girls, having had little experience of foreigners are slightly frightened of us.

As we all know, laughter is the best ice-breaker there is so how do we make them laugh? Simple, with visual humour. Benny Hill was a master at this along with Eric Sykes and more latterly Rowan Atkinson with his ‘Mr Bean’. Lets consider Mr Bean for a moment, he has to be the dumbest guy around with the situations he gets himself into yet he is funny. Thus a guy who walks into a bar and plonks down a cucumber with a face on it and talks to it . . . . well he is ‘dumb’ as well. The magic here is that it IS a cucumber rather than a glove-puppet that makes it work so well.

Over the years I’ve used many ‘ice-breaking’ devices as have my friends. I remember about my 2nd or 3rd trip to Angeles I had a ‘malibog meter’, in truth an illuminated bow tie. A guy wearing a tie is odd, a bow tie is odder and one that lights up is plain crazy. Thus on entering a bar, the tie was noticed and the girls would get curious. Eventually a waitress or whatever would ask what it is/why I’m wearing it and I would reply “It’s a Malibog Meter”, when I get malibog it lights up.

Of course if they wanted a demonstration they would have to make me malibog. At first just a flicker thus they started to compete with each other to get a brighter reaction. Needless to say in 9 cases out of 10 I’d have a dozen girls around me all thrusting their susus in my face and their hands down my trousers.

At one time in Thailand I stuck an 18″ long balloon inside one trouser leg. Most Thai bar girls grope the “crown jewels” within 2 minutes of sitting down, and obviously were shocked to discover such a monster. Some would even run away but within minutes a crowd would appear all eager for a grope!

Little clockwork ‘Willies’ are always good value, a titi walking across the stage really cracks the girls up. Pretty well anything works as long as it’s different and novel, in other words don’t all turn up with the same gag!

Uncle ‘Haniball’, an occasional contributor here, was a past master at amusing bar girls, he had an uncanny ability to maintain a dead-pan expression whilst telling the most outrageous stories. I’ve seen him reluctantly confess to being a Consultant Gynaecologist and allow himself to be persuaded to conduct an on the spot examination, another time he had injured his back sky-diving and so on. We once photographed each other wearing clerical collars (dog collars), printed business cards with the picture calling ourselves ‘Bishop’ or ‘Monsignor’, and explained to Thai Bar Girls that we were travelling ‘incognito’. Thus we could avoid being pestered for barfines if we wanted or allow ourselves to be ‘corrupted’. I fondly remember sitting in Rose Bar in Nana Plaza, (a small bar with a reputation for orally skilled ladies) with a couple of girls desperate to ‘corrupt’ a priest right there in the bar.

Another chum of mine would pull the ‘blind-man’ stunt, thus being allowed to get very ‘bold’ with his hands (even with cherry girls) whilst ‘seeing what they look like’. Stunts like this do, however, require straight-faced companions.

Whatever you do, try and be original and if the gag/stunt requires a team select them carefully, one snigger at the wrong moment and it’s blown. The rewards that come later back at the hotel room are always, in my experience, worth the effort.

– Binro

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