The Newbie – Part Three


When we left our malibog boys in Part Two last month, your old Uncle Hannibal was en route to Christin’s to partake in his first ever body massage and “Big Red” was off meandering through the bars of Soi Bangla searching for women who did not want to go with him.

I did indeed find my way to Christin’s, walked in and thought that I had died and gone to Heaven (except without the “dying” part). I had not seen a “fishbowl” before and it was amazing … a room that was full of young lovelies all eager to become my new best friend and the only question was “Which one do I want?”

Nowadays, it can be hard to pick for attitude because most of the body massage places have TV sets in the fishbowls for their girls to watch while they wait to get selected by one of the customers. It cuts down on the boredom for the girls (because they can watch the Thai soap operas) but makes it harder for punters to differentiate between the girls based on their personalities, since all will have an identical facial expression (depending on what’s happening at that exact moment in the soap opera). It’s a lot like synchronized swimming in the Olympics … they all respond in unison.

But back on that first trip, there was no TV in the fishbowl. And that made it easy to make excellent choices. The drill was easy. Just look for girls who were chatting away with each other and joking around and the odds were pretty good that they’d be fun if you picked one of them. I figured that they were personable and they had also come to terms with what they did for a living. But if a girl stared off into space, looking bored (or hostile), I’d give her a pass.

A simple system, but I got winners the entire time there (and for the next several return trips to the Land of Smiles).

I can’t remember the name of the girl I took that evening, but she was a cutie … about 5’0” tall, under 100 pounds and with a ponytail. What an absolutely delightful lady she was, too.

The session was supposed to run 90 minutes, but I ran well over on that (a practice that continued for years afterwards) and I had wood for pretty much the whole time. It was great fun.

If you’ve never done a body massage in Thailand, do one. You’ll like it a lot. And I liked it enough to go back almost every day for the rest of my stay. Mexico may have siestas to get a fellow through the hot part of the day, but Thailand has body massage.

Thailand is better.

I ended up staying there until closing time, then headed back to the Holiday Inn to rustle up some shuteye. After a couple of rounds with my new best friend at Christin’s, I was drained. Literally. I slept well.

[The Next Day]

I got up the next morning and went downstairs at the appointed hour to meet up with Big Red for breakfast.

Within a few minutes, he arrived with a young lady trailing behind him. Apparently the lad had finally broken his eight-year dry spell, because he was smiling broadly.

He pulled up a seat at the table but his new best friend remained in a standing position. Since she had been walking a few paces behind him, I had just assumed she was practicing some sort of Asian deference, so I invited her to take a seat and join us for breakfast.

She quickly shook her head “no” and insisted on remaining standing. I also noticed that she seemed to be in some pain, so I asked her if she was ill. She shook her head “no” to that one also, but then pointed to Big Red’s groin region and announced “Him too big!”

“About like this?” I countered (showing her my pinky finger). “No,” she quickly responded, “like this” (as she put her hands around her thigh). It turned out that she couldn’t sit down after several sessions the night before with “the California redwood”. She was in considerable pain, as she was very slim and his personal Howitzer was not. So she ended up eating her breakfast while standing up.

I asked Big Red how he found this one and he told me the saga. He had been in more than a dozen bars, but all of the girls were being friendly and therefore he didn’t want any of them. On about the 17th bar of the evening, he saw a shy-looking girl head into the changing room just as he came in and since she hadn’t shown him any warmth at all, he figured that she was a possibility. And so he sat and waited for her to come back out again. Which of course she didn’t (it seemed that she had spotted him, didn’t like what she saw and was hiding in the back because she wanted nothing to do with him).

Just the kind of woman he was searching for.

After about twenty minutes of waiting fruitlessly for her to reappear, he called the mama-san over and asked her to retrieve the girl from the back room. Which she did.

He asked the girl “How much for long-time?” and with the mama-san in her presence, apparently it would have been awkward for the girl to say that she didn’t want to go with him at all.

So she went with “Plan B”: she quoted him a price that was double the then-going rate (in hopes that sticker shock would prompt him to lose interest and look for someone else who was more reasonably priced). This being Big Red we’re talking about, he said “Sounds good to me … let’s go.” And the girl had to go with him.

Amazingly enough, he had found the one bargirl in Phuket who wanted nothing to do with him … and he was smitten.

In the course of breakfast, though, I noticed him stopping frequently to scratch what I presumed were insect bites. It turned out he had not been aware that you could take the girl back to your room and so he went home with her to her room. And that was basically a concrete floor with an old mattress and holes in the screens and so on. So the mosquitoes, bedbugs and whatever else was there had feasted on him.

So I quickly set him straight … you take the girl to your room.

After breakfast, he let her leave to go take care of personal stuff (and she beat a very hasty retreat), then we had a leisurely chat the rest of the morning. As noon approached, I took my leave to go meet up with B2 for a poolside lunch at his hotel (the Ex-Pat).

I got there, pulled up a chair and looked through the menu. And right about then, one of the Lao girls from the night before shows up. So B2 mentioned that he had invited her to join us for a swim. I didn’t know we were supposed to bring dates, however, so I was empty-handed.

It turned out that B2 had stayed at the beer bar until closing time the night before and the Lao girl had followed him back to his hotel room and spent the night with him. And she didn’t even ask him for money the next morning, he proudly added.

Shortly after arriving, she indicated that she’d be right back and took off on her motorcycle again. And about ten minutes later she returned with the other Lao girl on the back of her motorcycle. Bless her little heart, she had noticed me being the odd man out (without any “pool party” date) and had gone off to get me one. What a country!

So the four of us sat down for a poolside lunch. B2 and I spoke no Lao and no Thai either, and the Lao girls spoke very little English but could speak and read Thai. And since I carried a Thai dictionary with me on that trip, we could look up words in English, point to the same word in Thai (or vice-versa) and communicate.

Being a charming conversationalist (the nice way to say “full of shit”), I pointed to the Thai word for “princess” and pointed to my girl. She then pointed to the word for “prince” and pointed back to me. So I got a sad look, shook my head “no” and pointed to the word for “frog”. At which she leaned over, gave me a big, wet kiss right on the lips and then she smiled and pointed again to the word for “prince”.

Even girls from rural Laos knew that fairy tale.

Lunch finished, we hopped in the pool and played for an hour or so. And once my wood went down, I eventually climbed out of the pool, dried off, went to change and then headed on back to the Holiday Inn, with my new “princess” following after me like the stray puppies used to do when I was a youngster.

It would have been rude to turn her away (and she sure did give good wood in the pool earlier), so I let her follow me upstairs and have her way with me. I’m a nice guy about stuff like that.

I met up with Big Red for dinner and he was gung ho to get the same girl again from the night before, so I headed down to Soi Bangla with him to see if I could prod him to take someone else instead (I really felt sorry for that one).

He agreed to check other places out first, but he ended up taking the same one again. I didn’t want to watch, so I headed back to Christin’s to while away the rest of the evening. My lady from the day before was not in the fishbowl (meaning she either had the day off or more likely was with a customer), but the fishbowl had “bench strength” and it was no problem finding a suitable replacement. Upstairs I went and had another swell (swollen?) time.

And again around closing time, I meandered back to Holiday Inn for another very peaceful night’s sleep (unaware of the maelstrom that B2 was then in the process of getting himself into). Things were about to get livelier.

Stay tuned…

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